God is our shelter and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not be afraid, even if the earth is shaken and mountains fall into the ocean depths; even if the seas roar and rage, and the hills are shaken by the violence.
[ Psalm 46:1-3 (GNT)]
Kay (KMS) says:
When I met KC, he was distraught. I tried daily to get him better, and soon we took our friendship to the next level. The first year of our relationship was great. Then we decided to move in together. That’s when he changed into his TRUE self. He started to drink heavily around me. This man was able to drink a case of beer and still function!!! That tells me that he was always this way!! It got to the point that he was drinking two cases a day, sometimes three. On top of that, he was taking Xanax… at least 4 bars a day!
One night, I came home from work to find him drunk on the front porch. He had locked himself out of the apartment. I got him in and asked him how he managed to do that. I instantly got kicked in the face with a steel toed Doc Martin. He told me I was a **** and deserved the boot to my face. He then proceeded to passed out on the porch. He cried the next day and told me over and over that he was sorry for what he had done to me, and I forgave him.
Time had gone on, and his drinking continued to get worse, except now he was also out of work. I wasn’t able to pay off any of my debt because I had to pay the rent, all the utilities, buy the groceries, and make sure that his son (from another relationship) was taken care of (He was 6 by this time). The abuse got worse. He started putting me down. This cycle went on for five years. He would throw my abortion in my face (yes, I had one when I was 18 because I was on hardcore drugs. My doctor showed us the irregular fetal development and suggested a termination. I still have not forgiven myself for it, and I shared my pain with him just for him to use it against me…mental/emotional abuse). He would ask me where my other child is, and then would proceed to tell me that my child was scraped and flushed down a toilet. He brought me coat hangers and told me to get to scraping. He would tell me that he wondered what my child would have looked like and then continue with it by telling me that we would know if I wasn’t a baby murderer. I would cry because I felt the same way about myself. I felt like I was a baby murderer. Then I would get angry because I shared something painful about myself with him for him to understand where my mind goes when I see children of a certain age group, and he used it as a weapon against me!
His abuse took a toll on me, and I began to hate my life. I looked in the mirror and began coming up with an alibi for his “disappearance”. I was willing to kill him if that was what had to be done for me to be free. The negativity grew to the point where I was willing to kill myself just to be free…neither solution was a good one. I finally left the relationship status in late May 2009, but he lived at the same house. We had separate rooms. I started dreaming about an old friend by this time, JS, someone I hadn’t seen in years. In my dreams, he was in turmoil. We were reconnected via the internet. We started hanging around each other in late June. I told him my story, and he shared his. I remember him being bitter about his situation, and I told him to forgive. Forgiveness is not for the person, it is for you!
I felt as if God brought us together for a reason because I could feel his pain before I spoke to him, and according to him, he was thinking about me just before he saw a message from me. I thought to myself, “That had to be GOD!” Naturally, two people connecting with common background found comfort in one another, and of course one thing led to another, and I fell in love… I’m not exactly sure what he felt, but I know he felt something because of the texts and conversations we had. Plus, he told me he had strong feelings for me (but I think it was because I got pregnant). Note that I have known this man since I was 14 years old. Sometime in July, I found out I was pregnant.
I just knew in my heart that this child belonged to JS. I needed to escape because KC was literally choking me at home. He held me up in the air by my throat with his 9 year old child watching. I finally was able to break free, and I run down the street to call JS. When I called JS and told him that we needed to talk, he picked me up and took me to his house to stay the night.
I went to Seattle at the end of July and JS came back to Phoenix City by this time. We talked all the time while I was gone. I missed him more and more, every minute that we were apart. I was in love. It was wonderful. I came back to Columbus in August with my sister. Shortly after my return, JS left to go to Louisiana. He was supposed to find us a place to live together. While he was gone, we remained in close contact with one another. Things didn’t work out as planned, and he returned home, which actually made me happy. Not long after JS came back, KC found out that I was pregnant. He told me that if this child belonged to my friend, he was going to kill me, the baby, and JS. I KNEW he really would have done it! I started pushing JS away, fearing for his safety. I never gave him a real good reason as to why, but most importantly I needed to protect him from KC. I loved him enough to want to see him happy without me rather than being miserable with me, and miserable is what he would have been because KC would have stalked us forever! Not long after that, I finally packed my stuff and ran away to San Diego.
KC found me, just like he said he would. He followed me there and brought me back to Columbus. We fought every day, but he stopped hitting me by this point. He told me that the baby wasn’t leaving his side and since the baby was in me, then I had to stay as well. Utter misery!!! I finally had my baby in March. He showed up 3 days after my due date. My miracle baby! I say this because I went into premature labor in February. The doc was able to stop it, and I was on bed rest. Labor came back in March. During delivery, the baby’s heart rate was rapidly increasing, and I ended up having a seizure. I had to have a c-section. My baby is healthy now, but barely living when they pulled him out. The doc told me that we both almost didn’t make it, but God is great and he got us both through it.
I began trying to get in touch with JS after MK was born. He never replied to my emails or texts or notes, so I gave up because in my mind he obviously never cared about me or the baby. I know this is not the truth, but in my mind it was. My mind was still sick from all the abuse, and I felt that all men were out to hurt me. Not long after that, KC found out that I was trying to get in touch with JS. KC got drunk and began beating me up with my new baby in my arms. All I could do was curl up into a ball and lay my body over my son’s so that he would not get hurt. While on the ground, curled up, I was kicked repeatedly in the head, face, back, anywhere that foot landed. KC passed out, and I took off again. I called my cousin KO and went back to San Diego. KC would call me over and over telling me that he was going to kill me if I didn’t bring his son home. “Kill me then,” is what I thought. I would just rather him kill me than have to hear his voice again!!
During my stay in San Diego, I started thinking about my conversations with JS about Jesus and God. I always believed in God, but I never believed in Jesus as my Lord and Savior. We got into debates about this topic. He gave me a Bible, and I finally pulled it out of my bag and began to read it. JS is the reason that I am saved today. He guided me to the Lord and I am so thankful for him! I read his note in the front cover of my bible every morning:
“To my good friend KMS. I hope that when u read it, that it helps you the way that it has 4 me. I pray that u find all the peace, love, & joy that u deserve in life. Never 4get that the Lord loves u and is there 4 u. And so am I! J….”
The Bible and this note helped to heal my heart. I returned to Columbus in May. I tried to get in touch with JS one more time, but this time I didn’t leave any contact info. I got a response back from his mother, telling me that he is happy for my relationship with the Lord. During this time, I was also informed that he was happily married. Wow! My heart shattered instantly, but I could do nothing but be happy for him. I have learned that if you really love someone, you want them to be happy regardless of who they are happy with. Then it dawned on me that this is the first time that I have ever really loved someone like that, but this story is for another time.
While in Columbus, KC would visit with my son often. Then suddenly he stopped contacting me. His new girl didn’t like me. I didn’t really care, but I told his family members that if he wants to see MK then he needs to be an adult and have contact with me because I can’t just keep contacting his family to find out what his plans are. He got drunk and showed up at my dad’s door (while everyone was on vacation) and we went blow for blow! I delivered a beating right back to him. I wasn’t about to just sit there and let someone try to kill me. In this fight, I broke his nose and split his ear open. He fractured my cheek bone, cracked my ribs, and swelled my eye shut. I finally called the police on him. He was charged with aggravated assault, aggravated battery, and aggravated stalking. He was released on bond, and instantly sought revenge on me. I have been jumping from place to place, hiding.
The cycle doesn’t seem to end. Now I pray to God that KC gets the help that he needs and that MK and I can find our next safe place to stay. No place is safe for long because he knows all the people that I know who are willing to take us in for a while. Hotels/motels are out of the question… he found us there once by driving through all the parking lots!! That’s a dedicated abuser in need of some serious psychological help along with prayer! I am now determined to do whatever I have to do to make sure that MK and I are safe.
This is my story, and God is how I overcame the abuse. Though I am not completely out of the boiling waters yet, at least I took that first step. I have one leg out and the other one is slowly following. The process is not easy, and it is not quick (especially if you have a dedicated abuser after you), but it is possible.
I know God is standing by me, getting me through all of the pain! For those of you who are in an abusive relationship, you are not alone. I just recently discovered that I am not alone! Now I have support from strangers, but these strangers who are helping me and supporting me and offering up prayers for me…these people are more of God’s gifts to me…he sent them my way to help me heal, and I am thankful for each and every single man and woman in my life that has offered up their support!! God bless you all!
Here is a quote from a song called “Survivor” by Jeff Ott, which I look to for comfort:
“I made a bag out of a piece of cloth. I made a wish and I wrote it down on a piece of paper. I put the paper in the bag and wished with all my heart. I said, please deliver me; low and behold it became reality! So I can say today: I REFUSE TO BELIEVE GOD CREATED ME TO BE TORTURED. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE GOD CREATED ME TO BE ABANDONED. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE GOD CREATED ME TO BE NEGLECTED. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE GOD CREATED ME TO BE ABUSED! I picked up the pieces of my broken heart off the dirty boulevard. I found a punk rock kid who had a needle and some leather string. I made a wish and I said it again and again. I took the needle and threaded it. I sewed my broken heart back together again!”
//From the SYSN Admin: Please pray for KMS and the safety of her child. Please also comment on her story and provide encouragement through scripture and kind words. Also remember to Share YOUR story with us here: http://shareyourstorynow.org/share
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Story posted on Thursday, September 30th, 2010 and is filed under Abuse, Divorce & Marital Conflict, Drugs & Alcohol, Suicide, Your Stories. | 4 Comments »
