So put on God’s armor now! Then when the evil day comes, you will be able to resist the enemy’s attacks; and after fighting to the end, you will still hold your ground. So stand ready, with truth as a belt tight around your waist, with righteousness as your breastplate, and as your shoes the readiness to announce the Good News of peace.
[Ephesians 6:13-15 (GNT)]
This is Sue’s story:
Coming out of anesthesia, I looked at my aunt and said, “I am the worst person in the world.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because I just killed my baby.”
June 19, 1998 my life changed in a way I thought I would never recover from.
My family didn’t always go to church. When I was the only child, my parents partied like most 20 something’s in the 70′s. Two kids later, my mom found God and in a very deep way. So deep, she never looked behind her to see if her family was doing okay. She quickly became a minister at each church we ever attended. She would spend 12 + hours away from home. Leaving a void in our relationship as mother and daughter. I grew up with a mom, but never knowing what a relations hip with her would have been like. I grew up being the closest thing to a mom my brothers ever knew. After high school, I moved around for a couple years winding up in Indianapolis the end of 1997. I’d met some guys that I enjoyed company with, all the while seeking and finding attention from random guys. In 1998, I turned 21 and spiraled into alcoholism. Ironically skipping bar hopping on Sundays and Wednesdays.
Five months later, my mom called and said I had an opportunity to go back to Korea for college. And I jumped at it. Three weeks later, all my friends threw me a going away party. Lots of drinks, some in buckets, but far too much for my body to handle. I remember leaving with a guy who said he would drive me a couple blocks to my house. I woke up the next morning, not in my bed and with no recollection of what happened. The guy drove me home and I started packing. Two days later, I was back in Tacoma. My grandmother & aunt had flown out from Buffalo to spend some time with my dad. A day later, I started feeling ill. The kind of illness you don’t mistake for the flu. I went to the grocery store and picked up a pregnancy test. It came out so faint, I picked up the phone and called my best friend. “Hi. So I took a pregnancy test and one line came out really strong but you can almost not…” “You’re pregnant, sweetie,” cutting me off. “Are you sure?” “That line, as faint as it is,” she said to me, “still cam up. You are pregnant.” “What am I going to do? I leave for Korea in 3 days.” “Have you told anyone yet? Have you made an appointment? I can go with you,” she said. The next day, it was confirmed. 12 weeks pregnant. “I drank a lot 2 days before I came home.” She looked at me, “I’m sure the baby is fine. What do you think you are going to do?” she asked. “I have no idea. No idea how I’m going to tell my mom. She’s going to hate me.” Well, I told my dad and his response wasn’t surprising. “I love you. And I will be here for you no matter what you decide.” The next day I told my mom. Without looking at me, she said, “How are you going to take care of a baby when you can’t even take care of yourself?” We went back and for a while, then she said in her thick Korean accent, “Well you will go to Korea and get rid of the baby.” And that was the end of that conversation. Keep in mind, my mom is a Presbyterian minister at a very large Korean/American church in Tacoma. I’d called Mindy and she told me not to go to Korea. To stay with her and to have the baby. But how could I go against my mom? She’d never talk to me again and she’d turn the family against me.
June 20, 1998 I was sitting in my room with a knife. My aunt knocked on my door and said my friend, James, was on the phone. “I’m coming to get you and we are hanging out all day.” Something inside said get up and go. After all day at an amusement park, we wound up at Friday night worship at Onuri Church, James’ home church while stationed in Korea.
After a few months, my healing had begun. I was asked to help with 9th grade girl’s bible study. How was I, this torn, broken, damaged, dirty 21 year old going to witness to 14 year old girls? Somehow God picked me up, brushed off some of the dirt and I shared God’s love with them to the best of my ability. In December 98, I flew out to Cambodia for a 3 week missions trip. The first night, I became ill. The second day some gals from church joined me. We were still waiting for the rest of our team. That night, I had a nightmare. I’d dreamt I was walking down a hall and heart a woman call out my name. And footsteps coming quickly behind me. I ran into a bathroom and locked myself in a stall. She walks in and says soothingly, “We won’t hurt you. We just want to help you.” What was once the most beautiful woman turned into the most hideous thing. No words could describe it. When I woke, I was paralyzed with no voice, stuck to my bed. It felt like an eternity before I could move again. While still stuck, I screamed in my mind, “SATAN, GET OFF ME! YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY OVER ME! IN THE NAME OF JESUS, LEAVE ME ALONE!” I was so terrified; I wouldn’t put my feet on the floor. I knew something was watching me. I looked out my window and across the road, in front of a snake worshiping temple, stood two men looking up at my windows, chanting, swaying back and forth. I started praying. And at some point I fell asleep. I woke the next morning still in prayer. No one else was attacked. I made the most of my time in Cambodia, but by the time I touched down in Korea, Satan had won that battle. I went right back into drinking and taking advantage of guys again.
It took me from 98 to 2003 to figure something out. I fell head over heels in love with God again. Filled with the Holy Spirit. Quit drinking like a fish. Took a vow of abstinence. But something happened. A message hit me in a place I wasn’t ready to let go of. I started surfing bars and websites again. Looking for guys again. I was sitting in church when I was sent a message to meet a guy. I up and left church to go meet him. I tried to make it stop. But I wasn’t strong enough. Then in Nov 2004, my husband, Sean, and I started dating again. I wanted to keep going to church, but I was being pulled to spend more time with Sean and Dylan. I thought God and I were okay. That he wouldn’t miss my presence in church. And so I left the church yet again. I’d stop in for visits, but nothing until I moved to Mountlake Terrace. For whatever reason, God sat me down at Creekside and told me to listen.
Today I stand here forgiving others for the things that were done to me that I have yet to share, but ultimately still working out the damage I’d done to the men who crossed my path. Looking to God for strength to completely let go and forgive my mom for making me have an abortion. And still forgiving myself so I can truly heal.
My life is not perfect. There are lots of obstacles still in my path. I am an alcoholic in recovery with a husband who actively drinks and is opposed to my relationship with Jesus. He tells me he will never join me at church. With all my might, God called me into the relationship not only for Sean, but for me too. And every day, I pray for grace and patience when dealing with my home life. But I know this, I have God on my side and that tells me EVERYTHING will be alright. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says: “But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience in the world. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can’t stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.” As I prepared my testimony, a lot of my bad habits came spilling out. In moments of vulnerability I wanted nothing more than to give into those temptations. It comes easily. But God helps me to fight through all those addictions and habits. I was shared Ephesians 6: 13 – 18 the other day while we prayed, “Use every piece of God’s armor to resist the enemy in the time of evil, so that after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the sturdy belt of truth and the body of armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News, so that you will be fully prepared. In every battle aimed at you by Satan, put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God. Pray at all times and on every occasion in the power of the Holy Spirit. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all Christians everywhere.”
//From the SYSN Admin: Please pray for Sue’s well-being, and leave comments on her post using scripture and kind words to let her know how much we appreciate her sharing with us. Also remember to Share YOUR story with us here: http://shareyourstorynow.org/share
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Story posted on Sunday, January 16th, 2011 and is filed under God's Sovereignty, Illness, Prayer, Struggles, Verses, Your Stories. | 1 Comment »
