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I'm Still Grieving, and Feeling Hope

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion.

[Isaiah 30:18a NIV]

Corinne R. writes:

Another Season and the Yellow Butterfly

As I look back now, I don’t even know how I survived. I didn’t think it was possible to live another day, another week, another month and another year, but I have.

My grief journey continues to this day, such hard work, every day. For those parents who have lost a child, you all know too well how difficult this journey is.

Along the way, I felt as though I were stuck, unable to move forward and, of course, not wanting to. By moving forward, I felt that I would be leaving Olivia behind, accepting life without her.

I have moved on, but in a different way. I will always have a broken heart, my life is not filled with joy, nor do I look forward to the future. It’s too hard to look beyond today.

Well, about two years after Olivia’s death, I noticed that I was paying special attention to each season, seeing and appreciating the beauty of each one. This was something that I had not done before.

It was as if I was seeing through different eyes, eyes that were filled with much pain, eyes that still cried so many tears, eyes that longed to see my daughter again. Yet, I could see the beauty that each new season would bring.

As spring approaches, I find myself feeling so sad, crying more, as this is the anniversary month, another year.

I just want to see my daughter again, then it happens. I will go outside to look at the garden I planted for Olivia and while I’m outside, the Yellow Butterfly flies past me, as if to let me know Olivia is ok.

I see the Yellow Butterfly all the time now and I smile.

Yes, another Season and The Yellow Butterfly, my reminders that my daughter is always with me, always in my Heart. She is free, free to Soar, free to Fly, like the Yellow Butterfly.

“Peace your inmost soul will fill
When you’re still …”

Corinne Ruiz
Mom of Olivia Corinne Hoff

It's Still Painful and Sad

[Jesus speaking] “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

[Luke 12:34 NIV]

Corinne R. writes:

This morning I awoke with a sadness in my heart, as this is the day that I will be giving my daughter Olivia’s bed to my two little nieces.

The sadness is due to the fact that Olivia has not slept in her bed for four years. You see, Olivia passed away April 22, 2004. Since her passing, I have not been able to remove anything from her room.

When I found out that my little nieces needed a bed, I thought it would be nice to give Olivia’s bed to them. Yes, it is still very painful and sad to know that I will eventually have to put all of my daughter’s belongings away.

I decided to open my Bible and let God lead me to the words he wanted me to read. He led me to Luke 12:32-34: “Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys.

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

I knew after reading these verses that Olivia would always be with me, as these were material things. She no longer needs them, as our Lord is providing her with all that she needs, his love for her and the promise that we will all be reunited one day.

I know that my tears will come as I slowly pack my daughter’s room, but I also know that she is always with me. I feel her presence every day.

Why Did My Cousins Die?

For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.

[Psalm 24:22 NIV]

Sarah B. writes:

I can’t forget something that happened a long time ago. One of my cousins died about 9 years ago when she was just a teenager, and I was mad at God for the longest time. But I still did everything that a church-going girl would do.

Now this past January of 2008, my cousin who was just 20 years old died from a car crash.

Why did this happen to my family twice? Why, why, why? I don’t understand.

I saw the fruit (the good things) that came out of my cousin dying 9 years ago: It brought her whole family to know Jesus as their personal savior. But now what? Why did my other cousin have to die?

It is just pushing my aunt and uncle further and further away from God.

Why did these things happen?

Thanks for listening,
a girl with many questions that need to be answered

Experiencing Death and New Life

The LORD is my light and my salvation — whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life — of whom shall I be afraid?

[Psalm 27:1 NIV]

Judy J. writes:

Psalm 27 keeps me grounded and rooted on the path in which I seek to walk with the Lord.

At the age of 46, God blessed me with my second child. My husband and I never thought we would have another child after the birth of our first daughter.

When I was six months pregnant, we lost my mother, and we went through a very difficult time.

I became very depressed and found it hard to get over my pain.

I feel that the Lord blessed us and helped us to see how precious life can be even after losing my mom. Although my mom could not be replaced, God blessed us with another child that we could share our love with.

My New Purpose in Life

“We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God,” they said.

[Acts 14:22 NIV]

Corinne R. writes:

I am the mom of Olivia Corinne Hoff, who passed away April 22, 2004. Olivia was only 14 years old. She died of a heart condition we knew nothing about, LQTS Elongated QT Syndrome, known as the silent killer of young adults.

I didn’t know how I would survive and live without my daughter. I highlighted this verse (Acts 14:22) because my daughter’s death is the most painful hardship I would ever have to endure in my life. I did think of committing suicide and going home to be with Olivia, but I knew this was not my purpose.

What was my purpose? How can there be a purpose for my life? How, with all my pain, my confusion, the huge hole in my heart, my lack of desire to go on, how can there be a purpose for my life?

Well, it has now been three years since the death of my only daughter, and here I am today sharing how God has rescued me and is revealing his purpose to me daily.

I now know that God is getting ready to put me on a journey I never thought I would go on — a journey of sharing my testimony and reaching out to other parents who have lost a child.

I believe with all of my heart that the Lord directs me every day of my life, he is in control of my life, he will show me how to honor my daughter’s memory. I just have to wait and listen.

“The best things in life are the result of being wounded. Wheat must be crushed before becoming bread, and incense must be burned by fire before its fragrance is set free. The earth must be broken with a sharp plow before being ready to receive the seed. And it is a broken heart that pleases God. Yes, the sweetest joys of life are the fruits of sorrow.”

Jesus is Really Real! [2:28]

We asked various members of the public at Stand in the Gap 2007 about their favorite Bible Verse. Bill Butler Jr. shares his incredible testimony where he cried out to Jesus on the brink of death.

I've Realized Something Important

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

[Philippians 4:13 NIV]

Haylle writes:

Two months ago, my mother passed away after a long battle of needing a liver transplant. In the past few months, my relationship with God has grown a lot stronger. I’ve realized that unexpected things do happen here on earth; but I know that through the strength of God, I can make it through anything.

Anything is possible through the strength of God.

My Baby's Death and God's Goodness

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.

[Psalm 84:11 ESV]

Matt W. writes:

My wife and I were having our first baby. I was so excited and nervous, reading all the “how to be a great dad” books. We prayed for our little girl every day, and made all the necessary preparations with our house to provide for her and her safety.

As my wife entered her 26th week of pregnancy, God in his sovereignty caused my wife to have a seizure. The doctor told us they would have to deliver the baby immediately or both of their lives would be in danger.

At 26 weeks, my wife gave birth to Maggie Leigh (2 lbs. 2 oz). She was taken to the Neonatal ICU. There she struggled to survive as each day passed. With swelling on her brain and holes in her lungs, along with many other problems, things didn’t look hopeful for her survival.

We spent hours at her tiny, little bedside, praying for her, praying that God would be honored in her life and that He would allow her to live as a testimony to His awesome power. We were praying for a miracle!!!

Five weeks after her birth, God did do a miracle, but not the one we’d expected. God allowed her to die. The miracle that happened took place within my own heart.

I was reading my Bible and came across Ps. 84:11: “No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.”

God used that verse as well as others to let me see that if we are walking right with God, he will not withhold anything that is good for us. Therefore it was good that my daughter died, because God used her death to open my eyes to God’s sovereign goodness in all things.

Today I pastor a church in NC, to the praise and glory of a sovereignly good and gracious God.

I Asked God to Help Me

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

[Psalm 32:7 NIV]

James A. writes:

Three years ago I lost my baby daughter through an unexplained stillbirth. At the time I was lost, to say the least. I turned to alcohol and became very depressed and blamed God for what had happened.

One evening I was sitting at home, and I simply uttered the words, “Lord please help me.” The next day I was rambling through town, and I noticed a group of Christians preaching the Scriptures. I planned to just walk on past. Little did I know that the Lord had other plans.

I got talking to one of the Christians who approached me, and I told him my story. He asked me to join him at his church. Reluctantly I agreed.

The day arrived and hesitantly I went to the church. I turned back many times on the way, but something pushed me there. I went in, and there was the man I met on the street.

He prayed with me, and that day I gave my life to the Lord. I have since brought my family to know the Lord, and we praise him for the blessings he gives us daily.

The verse I chose says it all for me. No matter what we are going through, the Lord is always there, never changing.

God bless you all.

 

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