“God Changed Me”
“In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.”
April writes:
I was gay, I mean really, really gay. I share my story of how I became a Christian all the time, but there’s a big part to “my story” that I have never told but really feel led to tell it now. Here goes, I was the youngest of three girls, often criticized for my skinny and premature behaviors. I would always get harassed by my sisters and friends about why I hadn’t started puberty or why I am not developing like all the other girls. This gave me an insecurity that had me thinking “why am I so different? Am I an accident? Am I pretty? Am I gay?” I went on in my teens and began even more to feel out casted, especially by my own family. At the age of 13, I turned to drugs and alcohol but that is just one of many addictions I had to overcome. I started to grow more and more curious about my sexuality and began watching porn. I was 18 when I decided I was gay, and no one could convince me otherwise. I fell in love with a girl named Elizabeth and felt this was it. I wanted to marry her. I became an advocate for gay & lesbians because of all the persecution I got from ‘coming out’. I even marched in the annual gay pride parade in San Diego. The more people told me I was wrong for being a lesbian the more I fought for the freedom to be one. All the while I never dealt with my insecurities and they certainly didn’t go away because of my new lifestyle. I was still empty inside. I felt a deep rooted question in my heart “if being gay feels so right how it could be wrong? Is it wrong and who says?” but I would never share my wonders with others because I was in it too deep. Elizabeth and I broke off our relationship after 5 years, which was the hardest and only real break up I ever had. I moved far from her but not far from my lifestyle. I continued this lifestyle and had no boundaries to my choices in relationships. I was still empty, even more than before. I worked for a well known gym in LA and the manager of the store was a Christian. He would preach to me all night every night. I would hate it; I debated him every night for 4 months. Until one day to get him off my back I took him up on his offer and went to a bible study with him. It seemed the people at this bible study had something I was longing for my entire life, true joy and love in their hearts. They were full of love and didn’t judge me. They truly had my eternal interest at heart. They helped me understand the most difficult questions I had in my mind about God and what Gods plan for me is through scripture. I came to Christ that very night and did not look back. The funny thing is I didn’t have to stop using drugs first or even be sober or not be gay to believe. All I did was cling to Jesus and His word; believe in my heart what He had done for all mankind. Sure repenting took a little while and I still am learning what Gods eyes see as sin. Quickly I became convinced that being gay was a way for me to place my insecurities away without dealing with them. My insecurities were in charge of my decision to be gay. But once my insecurities were dealt with, and I mean really dealt with deeply, I became more and freer from them and that lead me to choose to no longer live as a gay person anymore. Then after examining my intensions and looking at Gods word I knew that all this time it was an obedience battle. Yes I said it. I was making my sexuality the core focus of my life and when you turn your focus on Jesus and what He did for mankind that changes everything. After time, He changed me. I am so happily married now to a great man and for the first time in my life I feel truly beautiful and valuable the way I was intended to feel. People may call me a hypocrite and I do have to deal with persecution sometimes but at least it’s for Jesus. Nobody could do what He did and certainly nobody else freed me but Him. Thanks for letting me share.
Please note that the views expressed in this story are not necessarily the views of the American Bible Society. Story posted on December 3rd, 2008 and filed under Drugs & Alcohol, Praise, God's Love, Hope, Loneliness, Your Stories, Grace, Struggles, Conversions, Overcoming sin.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Dear April:
Your true to life, masterfully written testimony is so timely and apropos, especially in view of the recent controversies over the California ballot of Proposition 8.
Furthermore, your self-analysis of “insecurity” may in fact be generalized to many others’ negative behavior and life styles. “The more people told me I was wrong …the more I fought for the freedom to be one.”
Extreme cases in point are, for instance, the terrorists, suicide bombers, who even want to be magnanimous ‘martyrs’, and go to heaven in their misguided ways.
(Jesus said:) “I am the resurrection and the life” (John 11:25);
“I am the light of the world” (John 8:12).
“Light,” therefore, enables us to discern the evils, ignorance and error. (Ephesians 5:13).
For “we know that the Son of God has come, and has given us understanding so that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God and eternal life” (1 John 5:20).
Let us, therefore, pray for the great mass of men, sunk in darkness, will not or cannot receive His teachings, be enlightened, and saved by Him.
Thank you.
May GOD ALL MIGHTY Bless you and yours inestimably and infinitely;
GODSPEED, always and forevermore!
Mary Sun.
February 21st, 2009 at 11:26 pm
There are two things you should know about me: I’m not a lesbian or a Christian. I mean, I come from a Catholic country and was baptized, but that’s about it. My parents – who are smart, tolerant people – gave me a choice and I decided I’m not the churchgoing type. I ask too many questions, look at things from too many different perspectives. I never really understood why we are supposed to take the Bible’s word as absolute truth. I’ve always seen the Bible as a book, just like Romeo and Juliet, 1984 or the Odyssey.
April, I can’t judge what happened to you. If you say you’re happily married, I believe you. If you say your homosexuality was the product of your insecurities, who am I to disagree? It’s your life and I respect that. But I lived in San Francisco for two years and have met the most wonderful and generous gays and lesbians, always ready to lend a helping hand. They were no more insecure than the rest of us. Also, history is made of people who fought for the right to be themselves. And it’s not because they’re insecure, but because they know who they are and can’t be anybody but themselves.
I came across your story while doing research for a book about addiction. One of my characters is a recovered alcoholic who found Jesus and I needed to understand him. The more I learn about people who claimed to be saved by religion, the less I like them. Why do they think they’re entitled to dictate how other people are supposed to live? They simply can’t respect anyone who’s different. Like our friend Mary Sun and her vehement opposition to gay marriage. I mean, nobody is asking Mary Sun to marry a woman, but why is it her business who other people marry? Prop 8 is proof that no matter how advanced we think we are, there’s still too much bigotry in this world. We’re still denying people’s basic human rights and using the Bible as an excuse.
February 23rd, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Joana, thanks for your comment, I hope you somehow get my comment back, maybe you’ll check. Arrgh I hope so. I am not going to say anything profound and new. I just had to comment back. It amazes me how when some here my story they instantly do this, they 1st think I am judging them (not you maybe but others) when no where in my story was I judgemental of others. Then people also say “religion saved you” no where in my life or in my story do I act or project a churchie or religious person the disciples followed Jesus they didn’t sit in church all day. Believing in Jesus and what He did for me on the cross has nothing to do with religion. Then you say and so do others “why can’t they (maybe you mean me or others like me) respect someone who is different” I am sure I have not disrespected anyone and if I have I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry, but don’t forget I too lived this a gay life fully 100% and I know what the day in day out persecutions of it are. Either side gay or christian or straight if someone is disrespected it is not good and it is all out of ignorance, we can aggree I hope. But this shouldn’t concern me, I still have gay friends who love me and I love them. I don’t force my opinion on them but they sure do know what happened to me. I too used to live in San Francisco and have encountered many gay/lesbians/trans. who are/were just like me, even a christian gay community. Look we are not born gay, despite popular opinion. No one is born gay or straight, we are born with a sex not a sexuality, this happens later which is why we have puberty. Otherwise we would be born horny and there is zero scientific proof of that but there is proof that sexuality comes from puberty and who we chose to have sex with is a character trait, controllable and optional yes. But we are not born a slave to our sexuality. Big deal right, my point to the whole story is that we fix our eyes on Jesus and He changes us, not others not the church, not the pope or the people but Christ alone. Just so you know it is my goal to convert my friends and hopefully you too! I want them to be free and saved because the bible says not my pastor. It is not about religion it’s about relationship so unfortunetly the christian communities all over the world have misrepresented Christ and made a mockery out of Him. But mostly it’s an obedience battle, I don’t know who Mary Sun is nor do I believe in persecuting gay or lesbians. Write what you want but please know that my story comes from the heart and was not intended on insulting or pissing anyone off. Joana, I am sorry you have had bad encounters with christians, we are NOT supposed to dictate how people live, God doesn’t do that, He shows us a better way and it’s up to us to chose. I wish you well and hope someday you can put Christ to the test and see if He is who he says He is, and trust me He is more than a Romeo & Juliet story. : ) Although I do love that story, hope I didn’t offend you in anyway, if I did please tell me.
May 3rd, 2009 at 2:21 am
hello! thank you for sharing your story. i don’t know where you are located, but Passion 4 Christ Movement has an ex-homosexual movement. You could check it out:
http://www.p4cm.com/p4cm/