“Maybe I Can Be Happy”
Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Cari W. writes:
I don’t think I can ever forget the night it happened to me.
Ordinary summer day, Carly is over and we find ourselves sitting doing absolutely nothing, as usual. I put deep thought into the idea of sneaking out to smoke weed for the second time with her, my brother and his friends.
The decision is made. We “go to Elizabeth’s to swim” but really catch a ride with my brother and head over to his buddy’s house.
We get there half naked in our bathing suits and go to the round-ish table everyone likes to smoke at. We sit and they start passing around the bong. I take about three pretty big hits.
After a while I start feeling nauseous and very nervous, so I pass it up the next few times.
I remember sitting there thinking about how dumb I sounded and how ugly I felt and even how “un-cool” I was. I felt so out of place, so bad about even smoking. So stupid.
The next thing I realize is how much I’m shaking and how hard it is to acknowledge anything around me. Oh no. I can’t speak? Why can’t I speak?! I can’t breathe?! Why can’t I breathe?! What’s happening to me?!
Am I about to die?
Silently I scream for help. It hurts me so bad. It just hurts. My head hits the table.
I shake more and more. People start talking. I can hear them talking. Their voices are shaky. They know something is wrong.
The phone that is tightly gripped in my hand falls slowly to the ground. Help. Help. I am dying.
Then I am there. Dead. In Hell. I know it’s Hell. I’m burning alive. Forever. This is my punishment. Why. Why?
Bad memories remind me of how painful life has been. How badly these fifteen years of being here has hurt. Everything bad. Nothing good.
I don’t know where I am. I see bad things. I remember when dad died. I remember every bad thing that has ever happened.
It keeps happening. Over and over.
Then, I see something. Something good now. Something that tells me that everything is okay.
It tells me that you have to forget bad things. You have to love yourself. You have to love everyone you have close to you. You have to make good memories.
I can breathe again now. I can see Carly again. I see my brother and his friends. They are telling me it’s gonna be okay.
I am happy. I dance. I smile. I laugh. I hug people. I do flips. I am just so happy.
But I’m scared, too. I’m scared it’s not real. I’m scared everything will just get bad again.
So they take me to a room. I lay down. I can feel it happening again. I am so scared. I am so afraid. But then I remember to forget the bad things. So I try. Very hard. To just forget.
I think I’m okay now. But oh no! Mom is calling. I have to answer. If I don’t answer she will go to Elizabeth’s. And then I will get caught. Oh no!
I answer the phone. She tells me to come home. I say okay. We run. We get in the car. We go home. But wait! We are not wet; she will know we didn’t swim. So I tell Carly to jump in the pool with me. She does.
We go inside. Mom asks where our towels are. I can’t remember. I tell her I forgot it at Elizabeth’s. She says okay and tells us goodnight.
We go upstairs. I change. I still can’t tell if anything is real. I lay in my bed. I rest. Finally fall asleep.
After about three very long hours of this on and off feeling of dying, I realize I am okay. I am alive, and I am going to be okay.
I am so confused though. I don’t know why this happened. Nobody else was affected. I try to forget and move on.
A few days go by and I still feel very, very sick. I think it was a panic attack. But I don’t know. Maybe it was something I had to go through. To realize how bad I was making my life. God doesn’t want that for me. I can understand now.
Maybe now I can be happy, too. I hope so :) It changed me forever. I will live my life for God now.
Please note that the views expressed in this story are not necessarily the views of the American Bible Society. Story posted on July 14th, 2008 and filed under Drugs & Alcohol, Your Stories, Conversions, Struggles.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Dear Cari W.:
You can surely be happy now and hereafter, as you “will live your life for God now” by loving “the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind….’ (also Mark 12:30; Luke 10:27).
This, too, is the law of the prophets. (Deuteronomy 6:5; 10:12; Joshua 22:5).
Most importantly, furthermore, the Gospels have revealed to us that “…God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him…to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:9-10).
It follows that we must love our neighbor, we must do to all as we would have them do to us.
From my own humble experiences–and testimonies of many others– that if we submit and dedicate ourselves unreservedly to His Word: “(Jesus said:) If you abide in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine and you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:31-32); and
while “In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).
As we “Rejoicing in hope; persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer”
(Romans 12:12), we will be free from worries of repercussions of our acts and actions.
Truly, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
Thank you.
May GOD ALL MIGHTY Bless you inestimably and infinintely;
GODSPEED, always and forvermore!
Mary Sun.
July 14th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
always remember that, you can do all things through him who gives you strength.
i went through something like this to.
….also remember god causes everything to work together for the good of those who love him.
you can be happy again!! =]receive god’s joy.
and its soooo soo important that you hang out with good friends that will bring you closer to christ.! =]
July 16th, 2008 at 10:15 am
We all do things that we either regret or feel really bad about. I know I have been in situations where it could have taken a turn for the worst, but God had bigger plans. By His grace we are covered in His protection. He loves you for who you are and who you are to become… be blessed!
July 21st, 2008 at 11:15 am
Hi Cari,
I read your story and I thought it would comfort you to know that I believe the same thing that happened to you also happened to me and it also changed my life. I think you are absolutely right that it was a panic attack which is very scary and know one else can even really understand unless they had gone through it themselves. I had two different attacks in one night and it is the latter one that is more like you described. I also think God allowed this to happen to you to bring you to him.
A little background on me. I’m almost 44 years old and grew up in an alcoholic home with lots of drama. When I was in highschool my mind began shutting down my emotions in a large part which I have come to understand is the brains survival mode. I have been married for 24 years to a man who loves me deeply and I have two wonderful adult sons. My adult life has been very good and it has been very stable. Although within the last 5 years I have lost 4 people that were very close to me including my mom, grandma, aunt, and mother-in-law and also my dad died 11 years ago. I never allowed myself to fully greive these people. I just automatically stuffed it and I didn’t really feel pain unless I purposely focused on it which I didn’t care to do. And I have always believed in God and even used to attend church when my kids were younger but through a series of events I began to choose my own way and not His. So with this imformation I will tell you of my
incident(s).
I had also been smoking prior to my incident and was watching a show on television late one night about a boy that my family knew who was murdered by his dad. To make a long story short, this story made me very sad and I believe was a trigger for me and that sadness connected to my own personal greif I had been holding inside of me for a long time and it all came out at once. It was unbelievable! I remember loosing total control of my emotions as the greif grew bigger and bigger until I woke the whole house.I was thinking that this must have been something like what Jesus felt on the cross. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before.
My husband carried me to the bedroom where he continued to ask what was wrong and all I could say was “my heart, my heart” meaning my emotional heart not the organ. Finally I came down enough to explain and my husband was relieved to know it was not my physical heart and even though I felt much better I still wanted to go to the hospital and find out what that was all about. Anyway here is the scary part for me. I was at the Emergency reception counter where my husband was checking me in when all of the sudden I felt this overwhelming feeling begin in my gut. I knew that I needed to be taken to a private area because there were people around and I felt I was going to loose control right in front of everyone. I tried to tell my husband but it was hard for me to explain it and eventually he figured it out when the adrenaline rose in my body and I was beginning to loose it again. He then tried to get some one to take a look at me and they really did nothing. They just expected me to wait my turn. Then it finally got sooooo bad I had no idea what was happening to me and that is when I figured out that I was going to die. I told my husband I was dying right there in front of everybody. The whole deal was quite a scene. It was so bleek. I was going to be gone from this world in a matter of seconds and nothing could change that. I knew I was not right with God so I did all I could for my salvation and asked for forgiveness of all my sins outloud with the reception counter as my alter. I did not go into detail fortunately, I only said those words and God knew the rest. Finally I began to come down and then realized I WAS going to live. I was so happy. I did struggle after that while waiting my turn with how to control this monster. I also felt very detached but aware of what was going on and I am sure you know what I mean. I finally figured it all out later thanks to Google and my own realizatiion fortunately because I didn’t get alot of understanding from the hopital.
Well that is my story and ever since that day I have experienced the true grace that God offers and the great love he has for me and all of us. I now have hope,joy and a real purpouse in my life again and I don’t ever want to loose that. I thank God that this happened because it brought me back to him and in a much better and powerful way than ever before. When I feel myself slipping away again and not experiencing the Holy Spirit because I am drawing back into myself , I don’t like it and I ask for his forgiveness and grace again.It is so comforting to know that he understands us more than we understands ourselves and if we are patient and totally give it to him he will lead us. He is a wonderful and forgiving God! I have learned so much through the Holy Spirit and I never want to let my own choices put that distance between God and myself again.
I hope my story helps you to know that you are not alone and confirms again that there is a reason for what you experienced also.
God Bless!
Jill
August 15th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
There are two kinds of those attacks, one being a lot milder, an anxiety attack, but a full-blown panic attack is the most frightening thing I have ever experienced in my life. For those who suffer thru them, a psychiatrist or primary care physician will give .25 xanax (alprazolam) three times a day, a very low dosage but it will stop panic attacks.
God’s ways are not our ways. He works in mysterious ways, and even through a panic attack, if He wants to.
The important thing is that it put God into the forefront of your life, where you want to live for Him now. So it is yet another example of all things working together for those who love God.